Saturday, December 30, 2006

Dr Foth doth see

His columns at one time were the must read item on everyone's agenda, over the years he's slowed down the pace a bit, but Alan Fotheringham (aka Dr. Foth) still more often than not puts together a withering column or two to skewer the political class.

One of the more anticipated arrivals in past years would be his predictions page, a look at where the Good doc saw the nation heading.

His list appears in the rural publications these days and on his own personal website, this contribution is one liberated from the Williams Lake Tribune. Still providing one of the best year end wraps and new year previews around.

Dr. Foth’s 2007 predictions

Dec 29 2006

Slowly, the chicken entrails on the floor begin to take shape, the mist over the crystal ball becomes more clear, and we become aware of what the year 2007 awaits us.

1. The Toronto Maple Leafs will not win the Stanley Cup.

2. Somewhere in the spring, Belinda Stronach will dye her hair red, thereby looking like Rita Hayworth.

3. Sydney Crosby will win the NHL scoring championship, while not old enough to take a girl out for a martini.

4. Dalton McGuinty will continue to be the most dull politician ever elected in Canada, while reigning over the largest province in Canada, Ontario — and the dullest.

5. In the year, Stephen Harper will never again be photographed shaking hands with his small son at the schoolhouse door.

6. After having 43 white males as residents of the White House, the Excited States of America will be certain in the run-up to the 2008 election to have neither of the above.

7. Peter Mackay will say something stupid. And then deny it, claiming Hansard hasn’t recorded it.

8. Shortly after the Canadian Football League announces that it has granted a franchise to Halifax, the NFL from New York headquarters announces that it will open bids for a team in Toronto.

9. The Toronto Argonauts announce they are moving to Hamilton.

10. Bob Rae, the bouncing socialist, announces — to wild surprise! — that he will not seek a Liberal seat in the coming election. Michael Ignatieff does not faint at the news.

11. Hillary Clinton — who all the polls tell us is hated or loved by as many voters (and women) — will not get the Democratic nomination for the 2008 election.

12. The Toronto Maple Leafs will not win the Stanley Cup. Neither will the Toronto Argonauts.

13. The Republican nomination for the 2008 White House spot will be Senator John McCain of Arizona, who was imprisoned as a soldier in the Vietnam war for so many years he twice attempted suicide. He will now know what it’s like to face the Washington press.

14. Jack Layton is going to have to decide whether to shave off that moustache — or continue to look like a talk-show host.

15.The Democratic Party’s nominee for the 2008 election will be neither white nor female. It will be Barack Obama, a rookie Senator from Illinois whose father is from Kenya, his mother is white.

16. He is just 45. Abe Lincoln was in the House of Representatives in Washington for only two years before becoming president. He did okay.

17. The wildness of Fort McMurray — the “Shanghai of Canada”— is going to bang up against Ottawa’s pretending it has no knowledge — or responsibility to Kyoto.

18. Stevie Harper’s real worry in 2007 is that the little geek Dion with the funny glasses and the thin shoulders has the “Green” gang on his side and that’s the way it is sliding when there is so little snow in Thunder Bay the polar bears are dying and the tourists are not coming to take pictures.

19. In 2007, sensible people, in airline terminals, restaurants, or otherwise public gatherings where self-indulgent ecomaniacs — showing off their wealth — will no longer put up with these jerks shouting into their BlackBerries, cell-phones, whatever. They are the twits of the year. We want to be done with them.

20. In 2007 I will visit Conrad in his new accommodation courtesy of the U.S. government. He will have started another tome since he will have a great deal of time on his hands.

21. In 2007, Stephen LeDrew will retire his 100 bow ties.

22. In 2007, Castro will say farewell to this fine world and — nothing will change in Cuba.

23. In 2007, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will get tied up in one of Belinda Stronach’s mosquito nets in deepest darkest Africa, while attempting to adopt a child.

24. In 2007, Prince William will not announce the engagement of he and Kate Middleton. His military service to his country will come first for some time.

25. In 2007, another former KGB agent will be poisoned. After all, nothing has changed in that department in Russia.

26. In 2007, another James Bond movie will hit the box office and will knock the socks off every drooling young woman in North America.

27. Robin Williams will not be James Bond. There is only one James Bond.

28. In 2007, Porter Air will expand their area of service and blow away Air Canada in the jaunt from Toronto to Ottawa or Montreal.

29. In late 2007, Belinda Stronach will adopt a crewcut, therefore emulating Archie in the cartoons.

30. Santa Claus will survive yet another year.

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