Hey La de La, Osama's Back!

Well it’s been a while since we last saw an episode of the Osama show, and right on cue with Americans ready to vote in possibly the closest election in their history, Heeeeeeeere’s Osama!

One Part Jay Leno, One Part quasi Head of State, the apparent leader of Al Qaeda provided those hard working tape messengers at Al Jazeera with another tape to add to the collection. One wonders if this is like Columbia House (Osama House, anyone?), where you get five tapes for fourty nine cents, when you send in your fatwa stickers and join the Club.

In our latest sermon from the cave, Osama Bin Laden picks up where he last left off, issuing warnings to America that the reasons for past attacks are still there. Not really coming out directly and saying that American’s should be concerned for their safety, but certainly not saying sleep well either. In the past these addresses have foreshadowed terror activities somewhere in the world, so as the days tick down to November 2 and Election Day in the US, officials there surely must be on pins and needles. The colour coded warning system surely shading into hotter temperatures.

It was a more composed Osama who addressed the American public in this latest effort. Well dressed, looking fit and without the customary gun by his side he looked like a candidate for office, rather than a cold blooded planner of the death of thousands. Speaking clearly, calmly and devoid of his usual blood will run rantings, he tried to rationalize the murder of those of 9/11 with past events in Lebanon, Palestine and points Middle East. The tone of the presentation was almost statesmanlike, a leader addressing the people explaining a policy or possibly an election platform.

It made for a situation that adds a rather surreal atmosphere to the final days of the US election campaign. It seems to have been a rather well timed project to try and influence the upcoming election, with Osama offering the voters some food for thought that America’s security is in their own hands this weekend. Fortunately for the Kerry camp, Osama didn’t come out and endorse the Democrats, a nightmare scenario no doubt for Kerry's handlers. And regardless, both Democrats and Republicans have come out and said that they would carry on the quest to bring Bin Laden to justice, so maybe he was a Nader fan who knows!

Somehow one would like to think that if nothing else in this campaign, the American voter won’t be terribly swayed by the ramblings of Bin Laden. However, we know that somewhere in America, a focus group is already interpreting the Osama factor in their polling numbers.

The rather healthy looking Bin Laden (whatever happened to that kidney problem?) seemed to relish in tweaking President Bush’s nose in this latest pop up video appearance. He gave Sweden an apparent pass in the terror sweepstakes, asking rhetorically why Al Qaeda did not attack the Scandinavian country if it were so against free countries. Saying that Al Qaeda left alone those countries that left them alone, he seemed to be reinforcing the split or trying to create even more of one between the US and its allies in Europe and elsewhere.

Bin Laden went on to suggest that the President was the author of his own misfortune by not responding to the 911 attacks quickly enough, preferring to instead listen to a little girl talk about a goat. With that little rim shot, Bin Laden snidely referred to the President’s appearance at a school in the morning during the attacks. And the wording of this part of his video gives one some idea as to what Osama must have been doing in his spare time, he’s been watching Michael Moore videos!

The uncanny turn of phrase is almost identical to the phrasing during Fahrenheit 911 and it wasn’t the only parallel drawn by Osama that sounded rather familiar with the Moore documentary. Bin Laden recounted the voting irregularities of the last election, suggesting that Bush stole power, placed in power by his father. He also provided his take on American civics, suggesting that the American’s have now done in their own country what Middle East countries have done for years, instituted a chain of succession on family lines. All points covered in one way or another in the Moore documentary. And certainly points that are making the rounds of the right wing websites on the internet, type in any Google search the words, Bin Laden and Michael Moore and read away, your conspiracy agenda will be filled with reading material til the last Florida chad drops.

But there does seem to be some synergy between the Moore message in Fahrenheit and Osama’s Opus. Which leads us to an interesting possibility? Instead of having the CIA, FBI and Homeland folks looking for Osama, turn loose Jack Valenti and the Motion Picture Association of America. Quite obviously in addition to being the worlds most cowardly terrorist Osama is nothing but a simple video pirate, there’s no way that the Blockbuster in the local mountains on the Afghanistan/Pakistan border had Moore’s movie in stock, nor would they rent to him, so where would he get his research material. Well you don’t have to go any further than your computer folks. Was Bin Laden trolling for pics from the internet? No doubt some Al Qaeda lackey has been designated to download movies, so have the movie police search the databases, if the folks at the RIAA can track a fourteen year old girl that somehow got her hands on an Ashlee Simpson tune (and hey if you don’t actually sing would that really be piracy?) surely they can find out when, where and how Osama saw the movie.

Jack the ball is in your court, find those pirates now. Prosecute to the full extent of the law! Bring in Osama, if only to spare us of any more of his cave side chats.

If this kind of drivel keeps up, instead of being a world terrorist, his career is going to slide into that horrid fate of being the local host on Al Jazeera Movie Night. Judging by the content of Friday’s debut, the first film will be Fahrenheit 911. Osama meet Count Floyd, whoooo scary stuff kids, scary stuff!